Friday, November 11, 2005

I coulda BEEN someone!! I coulda been a CONTENDER!!

The following is the article I wrote in hopes of getting my name up in red hypertext at PIC. I'm feeling lazy, so it's cut and paste action.

So You've Nailed Your Buddy's Sister
By contributing writer Ian Hudson

Ah, the friend's sister. Innocent, cute, funny. Sexpot? Huh? How did this happen? Moreover, how did SHE end up on THAT? And how the hell are you gonna explain this to Brian? This is a touchy situation, and can result in a number of situations, ranging from a nice little trip to the ER (or STD Clinic, depending on which sister) to dirty looks shot at you 8th-grade-girl style. Not to say that you've nailed an 8th grader. That's a different update. But there are many factors to consider here, and given that a list-style article 1) is extremely popular among writers here, and 2) has a format that allows functional alcoholics to produce something passable (could this be the reason for #1? I smell exposé.), I will break down the scenarios for you, given that I myself have dealt with this.

NOTE: It has come to my attention that DeGraaf did an update on this already. Mine is different because 1) I'm talking about a One Night Stand (or an ONS, for those In The Know), and 2) uh.I said so. And no, I didn't get the idea from him.

The Girl
One thing should be mentioned, that I think every guy can appreciate. Despite calls of you being an asshole, there is a certain pride associated with nailing your friend's sister. But only if she's a hottie, as there is NEVER pride in bedding a wildebeest (save the ever-necessary Slump Busting). I know you've all been here: you're hanging at your friend's place, playing GTA or....tiddlywinks, or whatever the hell you kids do these days, when his sister comes in to grab a magazine or something. You all do a double-take--this couldn't be the same chick, the one who could go pound for pound with you at the Subway races. The one who beat you out for starting lineman. As a freshman. When you were a senior. This new chick is hot. "Dude, was that your sister?"
"Yeah, she dropped like 145 pounds."
"...Man, your sister is hot."
"Shut the fuck up, asshole."
If your friend was smart, he'd have his eye on you from now until the end of time, staking out your house like some sort of vampire hunter. Even if you don't necessarily want to act on it, the thought of her riding you like it's the Belmont Stakes has been planted in your head. It's only a matter of time.

The Locale
So you know your friend's sister is hot, but you say to yourself "Nah, Brian's a good guy. Even if she looks like she could deep throat a camel..." So you don't act on it. But then one day, you find yourselves alone together. Maybe he's out of town visiting his girl, and you and your friends are using his place for a party. Maybe you came over to find only her and decided to wait until he comes back. Maybe you're all at a party together, and he's passed out in the other room, and she jumps you while you're in the shower. Cough. The POINT is it's happened. A couple of times. And it was good. Really good. Man, the thing on the bathroom floor....Sorry, got off track. But it's happened, and now you can either keep quiet about it and hope he never finds out, or be a man and tell him the truth. Because if you didn't his stupid sister will. But your next choice depends largely on what kind of guy he is, and how close a friend.

The Buddy
There are many subtle levels of guy friends. There are Dudes, Bros, Chiefs, Chieftans, Amigos, Buddys, and Douchebags. Further subdivisions include Solid, A Good Shit, an Asshole, or a Fucking (this only applies to Douchebags.) So, odds are you didn't nail the sister of a Solid Dude, as 1) you really like this guy, and 2) your self-preservation instinct reminded you that HE was the guy who put some dude in IC after three beers and a welched bet over a game of pool. More likely, the guy whose sister you nailed is a guy that you get along with pretty well, but after too long, you two can annoy the hell out of each other. An Douchebag Buddy, if you will. It's also helpful if a number of your friends agree with your assessment, as they will find the situation utterly hilarious. And be sure to know your role in the group: if a Douchebag or an Asshole nails someone's sister, the whole group is likely to kick his ass.

The News
Where to break the news is almost as important as how you do it. Somewhere public is always a good bet, but nowhere that has blunt objects readily available (batting cages, pool halls, table leg stores). Restaurants are good because they allow for distractions. And you can offer to pick up the bill, making you look like slightly less of a jackass. But you do have to let him order what he wants, you money-grubbing asshole.

When you break the news, be tactful:
AVOID- "Yeah, I'll have the lumberjack slam, please. OhandInailedyoursisterdude."
PREFERRED-"So, uh, Brian, breakfast is on me. No prob, bro. You're a Good Shit. I remember how cool you've been to me over the years, and wanted to repay you. Speaking of you being cool..."

Also, note with whom you're there, because while witnesses are good, you don't want to surround yourself with the guys who find it hilarious, as they will only point and laugh, making him angrier. And during lulls in the conversation, they will throw in things like, "yeah, like the time IAN NAILED YOUR SISTER?!?!?!?!? HAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

The Fallout
If your friend is cool, he'll be mad about it for a little while and may even threaten to kick your ass, but once he sees that 1) she wanted it just as bad, 2) you both know it was a one time thing, and 3) no feelings are hurt (and no trips to the Women's Clinic have been made), he should mellow out. And then, if he ever gets out of line, or starts being an asshole, you can throw it back in his face:

"Dude, I don't know what the deal is, but you are sucking BALLS at Madden."
"Hm. You're right. Hey, speaking of ball-sucking, how's your sister?"

In conclusion, I would advise against nailing the friend's sister, or at least be honest about it. Because taking time to craft all the lies and deception is a lot of work, and you don't want to hurt your friends.

Unless there's a chance for a threesome with her and her cute friend. Then all bets are off.

And Brian, I don't care how badass you think you are, I would still whip your ass proper. Bitch.


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