Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Baby Got Back

There is at least one perk to being in a wheelchair, aside from sweet parking: perfect height to stare at women's asses without looking like a pervert.

If I were ever resigned to a wheelchair, I'd make it a point to drive around behind hot women.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Ode to an Institution

Four years.

I spent four years of my life, more or less, on this campus. Four years of sitting through classes, skipping classes, playing pool, drinking in dorm rooms, drinking on the streets, admiring the female form and welcoming the return of warm weather.

This campus saw me lose my girlfriend of five and a half years. Three of those four years were spent with her. The fourth year saw me sleep around, slack off, get bad grades, not finish my thesis in time, and start smoking.

But the fourth year also saw me on the field of USF’s crushing defeat of then-#9 Louisville, a feat that was supposedly impossible. It saw me drunk before every home game, and heard of me drunk at a few away games. It saw me leave for the first-ever bowl game for USF, and it saw my return, with head hung low.

The fourth year saw me get closer to my true friends. The guys with whom I share so many stories, it’s damn near impossible to think of any truly good times I’ve had without them. While my four years is over, some of them are entering their fourth year. I’m sure I’ll be back on campus from time to time to hang out with them, and though it will be cool, in the back of my mind I know it won’t be the same.

My college days are over. I have to get up at seven every morning, put on a shirt with buttons and a collar, and do important things which affect peoples’ lives. I love my job, but no longer will I randomly start drinking on a Wednesday night, crash on my friend’s couch, and stumble to class in the morning. I have responsibilities; I have become an adult.

I’ve made the last copies I’ll ever have to make from the last book I’ll ever check out.

And I still have 45 cents on my copy card.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

What the fuck is up with society?

First off, no one is saying anything about the fact that they've cut off all entry to the Gaza Strip, thereby causing it to run out of food, water, and medical supplies. People are dying because ambulances can't get it. The U.S. should be organizing a Food Drop or something, this is bullshit.

Second off, have you seen this new Ford ad? Its a family going to the beach for the day, having a good time and all that. Then, the end of the ad sees the dad getting out, hugging the kids, and saying "thanks for inviting me this weekend," to the mom, followed by "ok guys, I'll see you next week."


I know the divorce rate in this country is over 50%, but advertising it certainly doesn't make me want to buy anything. Since when was a want to emulate failure a driving force behind marketing? "Buy this product and become a statistic of fucking up!"

Fuck that.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Oh yeah, I have a blog

Wow, its been more than a half a year since I've posted on this damn thing. It's crazy when you realize something like that, especially when I was all about this thing back then. But I digress...

So I've just about graduated from my beloved University of South Florida, with a Bachelor's of Science degree in Political Science, and a Minor in History. Which, as Richard Jeni once said, "...allows you to teach Political Science to others. This isn't an education, its Amway with a track team." The commencement ceremony is August 12, and I've been saving my Cohiba (cigar, to the unrefined) that I got in Miami for just such an occasion. In case you're wondering, I'm still working on my thesis. Jesus, even I'm tired of myself at this point. But the good news is it only affects whether or not I'll have the distinction of graduating from the Honors College; I've got my degree either way (or I'd better, I still need to hear back from you Theresa). And considering I've got a job with one of the biggest law firms in the state (Hint: its not Holland and Knight), I should be fine.

I took a year off from school, primarily because I missed all the deadlines for law school apps last year. But it's just as well; I've got a chance to chip away at some of my debt and get real-world experience in the practice of law, which they like at them thar admissions departments.

There was some bad blood circulating between my associates and myself as of the last few months; basically they were concerned I was just dicking around, with no direction or eye to the future. And what I hate is that the bastards were right. But they are my friends, and it is their job to give me a kick in the ass when I'm acting like a loser. So you will be pleased to know (or you don't fucking care, either one) that I have re-aligned myself with my goals, and all is well.

In that same vein, we are currently in Day Three of the Alan Parsons Project. Not to be confused with the band, THIS Alan Parsons Project is not old or obscure. The Project gives my friends veto power over who I hook up with, thereby keeping me from banging questionable ladies. And by questionable, I mean ugly or skanky. I mean, the last few months have been fun, and certainly an ego boost after my ex left me, but it's time to grow up a bit. Besides, chicks worth a damn don't like herpes, which I'm sure I was en route to contracting. The only downside, as my friend and Project member Steve said, is that "...it's a bad idea to give us anything that could be described as 'veto power,' because we're a bunch of dicks." He may be right, but we will just have to see.

And finally, who would write a better jingle for a regional soap company, the region being the Pacific Northwest: Marilyn Manson, or Insane Clown Posse?

Thursday, December 08, 2005


We are now approaching the final hours of the semester. My thesis is no closer to being done, and I have to write about 60 pages before next Friday. So that will be fun. Also, I found out I can't get my business minor because they wont let me take a class and its pre-req at the same time, so my schedule next semester will be easy as Dave's sister. But I digress...

So it's Christmas time, which means consumerism is in full swing. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE December, its my favorite month. Aside from my dad's complaints that Jesus is stealing his limelight (he was born on the 25th), my birthday on the 12th, then Christmas, New Years, AND its cold outside. And I like Christmas, even though I have to work a double at the Ale House this year. The spirit of giving and togetherness that Christmas is supposed to be about is a beautiful thing, and as long as that is kept in mind, you can just laugh at these crazy fucknuts stabbing each other for electronics equipment. All I asked for for Christmas was a bowl ticket to the Meineke Car Care Bowl in North Carolina December 31st. USF's first bowl game, baby. I'm psyched.

I do feel, however, we should return it to the Druidic Winter Solstice Celebration, and celebrate Jesus' birth when it should be celebrated (early fall). Because I am sick to death of these people who claim Christmas is "under attack." You know what, assholes? Christmas got away from you a long time ago. Jesus was not cool with consumerism and money changing and ill will towards your fellow man. So just do us all a favor and shut the fuck up. Its Happy Holidays now, get used to it.

Oh, and because its been a decade since I did a TKO, who would design and build a better dog house: Henry Kissinger or Karl Rove?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Kegs and Eggs, Baby.

I leave to tailgate before the USF- Cinnci game this afternoon. Gotta get an early start on the day. I shall leave you with our beloved Fight Song:

USF Bulls are we,
We hold our standard upright and free,
For Green and Gold we stand united,
Our beacon lighted and noble to see.

USF Bulls are we,
For USF we'll always be,
With all our might, we'll fight the battle here and now,
And we will win the victory!


USF Bulls are we,
We hold our standard upright and free,
For Green and Gold we stand united,
Our beacon lighted and noble to see.

USF Bulls are we,
For USF we'll always be,
With all our might, we'll fight the battle here and now,
And we will win the victory!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Dude, fuck Public Policy. I'm staying home.

So our computer lab on campus (the library one, anyway), is set up such that most computers are pretty central. I was working on one that was at a seperate table, near the printers. These are student use as well, but I think people have some block in their heads about them, because they are standalone. They must think they're faculty or admin use, because people kept asking me questions relating to printing and stuff when I was there. If it happens again, I'm totally going to make shit up and screw with them.
"Uh, yeah, those set of computers print out in the SOC building (10 min. walk away). Sorry."
"Hm, sometimes you have to put in your phone number before the document will print. Here, give it to me and I'll put it in for you."

People are saying my Bulls could bring down the BCS. The logic is that if South Florida win out (including our last game against West Virginia, shaping up to be the Big East Championchip game) they will go to the Sugar Bowl to face the SEC (and NOT the Gators. I was a Gator before a Bull, and still root for them behind the Bulls, so that amuses me to no end). The fact that such a young upstart with a limited fan base as the Bulls would be getting a bowl game, some say, is enough to bring the house of cards down.

I say, bring it on.

The BCS is a flawed and ridiculous system of measuring performance and ability, and it sucks the cock of media darlings such as USC and Notre Dame. Yeah, they're both good, but they're not the be all and end all. A playoff system would be a much better way to decide the Champion. And its not like the bowl system will go away; I'm sure with this much money at stake (if USF gets a bowl bid, the payday could be 14 million, win or lose. We spend about 7 on our ENTIRE athletic program), the Powers That Be will be able to incorporate it.

I am so burned out with college it's ridiculous. Wait, let me rephrase. I am so burned out with college WORK it's ridiculous. I just don't care anymore. This doesn't bode well, because I need to start applying for law schools sometime soon. But we'll see.

Oh and Michigan State School of Law has sent me an ASSLOAD of brochures. I hope they're as serious about paying for me to go there as they are about trying to get me to show up. Cause that would be super.