Saturday, November 19, 2005

Kegs and Eggs, Baby.

I leave to tailgate before the USF- Cinnci game this afternoon. Gotta get an early start on the day. I shall leave you with our beloved Fight Song:

USF Bulls are we,
We hold our standard upright and free,
For Green and Gold we stand united,
Our beacon lighted and noble to see.

USF Bulls are we,
For USF we'll always be,
With all our might, we'll fight the battle here and now,
And we will win the victory!


USF Bulls are we,
We hold our standard upright and free,
For Green and Gold we stand united,
Our beacon lighted and noble to see.

USF Bulls are we,
For USF we'll always be,
With all our might, we'll fight the battle here and now,
And we will win the victory!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Dude, fuck Public Policy. I'm staying home.

So our computer lab on campus (the library one, anyway), is set up such that most computers are pretty central. I was working on one that was at a seperate table, near the printers. These are student use as well, but I think people have some block in their heads about them, because they are standalone. They must think they're faculty or admin use, because people kept asking me questions relating to printing and stuff when I was there. If it happens again, I'm totally going to make shit up and screw with them.
"Uh, yeah, those set of computers print out in the SOC building (10 min. walk away). Sorry."
"Hm, sometimes you have to put in your phone number before the document will print. Here, give it to me and I'll put it in for you."

People are saying my Bulls could bring down the BCS. The logic is that if South Florida win out (including our last game against West Virginia, shaping up to be the Big East Championchip game) they will go to the Sugar Bowl to face the SEC (and NOT the Gators. I was a Gator before a Bull, and still root for them behind the Bulls, so that amuses me to no end). The fact that such a young upstart with a limited fan base as the Bulls would be getting a bowl game, some say, is enough to bring the house of cards down.

I say, bring it on.

The BCS is a flawed and ridiculous system of measuring performance and ability, and it sucks the cock of media darlings such as USC and Notre Dame. Yeah, they're both good, but they're not the be all and end all. A playoff system would be a much better way to decide the Champion. And its not like the bowl system will go away; I'm sure with this much money at stake (if USF gets a bowl bid, the payday could be 14 million, win or lose. We spend about 7 on our ENTIRE athletic program), the Powers That Be will be able to incorporate it.

I am so burned out with college it's ridiculous. Wait, let me rephrase. I am so burned out with college WORK it's ridiculous. I just don't care anymore. This doesn't bode well, because I need to start applying for law schools sometime soon. But we'll see.

Oh and Michigan State School of Law has sent me an ASSLOAD of brochures. I hope they're as serious about paying for me to go there as they are about trying to get me to show up. Cause that would be super.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

TKO Tuesday

Who would win in a Karaoke Night competition at the Clearwater Mugs N Jugs: Mao Tse Tung or Ho Chi Min?

Friday, November 11, 2005

I coulda BEEN someone!! I coulda been a CONTENDER!!

The following is the article I wrote in hopes of getting my name up in red hypertext at PIC. I'm feeling lazy, so it's cut and paste action.

So You've Nailed Your Buddy's Sister
By contributing writer Ian Hudson

Ah, the friend's sister. Innocent, cute, funny. Sexpot? Huh? How did this happen? Moreover, how did SHE end up on THAT? And how the hell are you gonna explain this to Brian? This is a touchy situation, and can result in a number of situations, ranging from a nice little trip to the ER (or STD Clinic, depending on which sister) to dirty looks shot at you 8th-grade-girl style. Not to say that you've nailed an 8th grader. That's a different update. But there are many factors to consider here, and given that a list-style article 1) is extremely popular among writers here, and 2) has a format that allows functional alcoholics to produce something passable (could this be the reason for #1? I smell exposé.), I will break down the scenarios for you, given that I myself have dealt with this.

NOTE: It has come to my attention that DeGraaf did an update on this already. Mine is different because 1) I'm talking about a One Night Stand (or an ONS, for those In The Know), and 2) uh.I said so. And no, I didn't get the idea from him.

The Girl
One thing should be mentioned, that I think every guy can appreciate. Despite calls of you being an asshole, there is a certain pride associated with nailing your friend's sister. But only if she's a hottie, as there is NEVER pride in bedding a wildebeest (save the ever-necessary Slump Busting). I know you've all been here: you're hanging at your friend's place, playing GTA or....tiddlywinks, or whatever the hell you kids do these days, when his sister comes in to grab a magazine or something. You all do a double-take--this couldn't be the same chick, the one who could go pound for pound with you at the Subway races. The one who beat you out for starting lineman. As a freshman. When you were a senior. This new chick is hot. "Dude, was that your sister?"
"Yeah, she dropped like 145 pounds."
"...Man, your sister is hot."
"Shut the fuck up, asshole."
If your friend was smart, he'd have his eye on you from now until the end of time, staking out your house like some sort of vampire hunter. Even if you don't necessarily want to act on it, the thought of her riding you like it's the Belmont Stakes has been planted in your head. It's only a matter of time.

The Locale
So you know your friend's sister is hot, but you say to yourself "Nah, Brian's a good guy. Even if she looks like she could deep throat a camel..." So you don't act on it. But then one day, you find yourselves alone together. Maybe he's out of town visiting his girl, and you and your friends are using his place for a party. Maybe you came over to find only her and decided to wait until he comes back. Maybe you're all at a party together, and he's passed out in the other room, and she jumps you while you're in the shower. Cough. The POINT is it's happened. A couple of times. And it was good. Really good. Man, the thing on the bathroom floor....Sorry, got off track. But it's happened, and now you can either keep quiet about it and hope he never finds out, or be a man and tell him the truth. Because if you didn't his stupid sister will. But your next choice depends largely on what kind of guy he is, and how close a friend.

The Buddy
There are many subtle levels of guy friends. There are Dudes, Bros, Chiefs, Chieftans, Amigos, Buddys, and Douchebags. Further subdivisions include Solid, A Good Shit, an Asshole, or a Fucking (this only applies to Douchebags.) So, odds are you didn't nail the sister of a Solid Dude, as 1) you really like this guy, and 2) your self-preservation instinct reminded you that HE was the guy who put some dude in IC after three beers and a welched bet over a game of pool. More likely, the guy whose sister you nailed is a guy that you get along with pretty well, but after too long, you two can annoy the hell out of each other. An Douchebag Buddy, if you will. It's also helpful if a number of your friends agree with your assessment, as they will find the situation utterly hilarious. And be sure to know your role in the group: if a Douchebag or an Asshole nails someone's sister, the whole group is likely to kick his ass.

The News
Where to break the news is almost as important as how you do it. Somewhere public is always a good bet, but nowhere that has blunt objects readily available (batting cages, pool halls, table leg stores). Restaurants are good because they allow for distractions. And you can offer to pick up the bill, making you look like slightly less of a jackass. But you do have to let him order what he wants, you money-grubbing asshole.

When you break the news, be tactful:
AVOID- "Yeah, I'll have the lumberjack slam, please. OhandInailedyoursisterdude."
PREFERRED-"So, uh, Brian, breakfast is on me. No prob, bro. You're a Good Shit. I remember how cool you've been to me over the years, and wanted to repay you. Speaking of you being cool..."

Also, note with whom you're there, because while witnesses are good, you don't want to surround yourself with the guys who find it hilarious, as they will only point and laugh, making him angrier. And during lulls in the conversation, they will throw in things like, "yeah, like the time IAN NAILED YOUR SISTER?!?!?!?!? HAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

The Fallout
If your friend is cool, he'll be mad about it for a little while and may even threaten to kick your ass, but once he sees that 1) she wanted it just as bad, 2) you both know it was a one time thing, and 3) no feelings are hurt (and no trips to the Women's Clinic have been made), he should mellow out. And then, if he ever gets out of line, or starts being an asshole, you can throw it back in his face:

"Dude, I don't know what the deal is, but you are sucking BALLS at Madden."
"Hm. You're right. Hey, speaking of ball-sucking, how's your sister?"

In conclusion, I would advise against nailing the friend's sister, or at least be honest about it. Because taking time to craft all the lies and deception is a lot of work, and you don't want to hurt your friends.

Unless there's a chance for a threesome with her and her cute friend. Then all bets are off.

And Brian, I don't care how badass you think you are, I would still whip your ass proper. Bitch.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

TKO Tuesday

Who would drink the other under the table: Hunter S. Thompson or Ernest Hemmingway?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

I've always been a Mary Ann man myself.

I think you could tell a lot about a man by whether he liked Ginger or Mary Ann more.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

TKO Tuesday

Who would win in an all-out, to-the-death Ultimate Fighting Match, The Dali Lama or Ghandi? Both are alive and of comprable age at the time of the Brawl in Nepal, and victory means freedom for their people.